July 2013 + 5 Directors Whose Films I’ve Never Seen

Let’s get straight into it this month…


July’s films
A Field in England
#59 A Field in England (2013)
#60 The Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult (1994)
#61 The Killing of a Chinese Bookie (1976/1978)
#61a Akira (1988)
#62 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (2010)


Analysis

The second half of Wimbledon and tireless preparations for the exacting standards of a single-night guest put paid to film-watching for the first week of July (including the innovative multi-format premiere of A Field of England on 5th July, missing which provoked a reaction in me that begins with π and ends with -ssed off… though I did catch up with it soon after). Of course, that left three weeks to make up for it…

Except on the weekend of one of those weeks, my sister was getting married, which somehow turned into a near-week-long exercise in travelling and doing family stuff. Of course, that left two weeks to make up for it…

Except on returning from said wedding I went down with a cold so nasty it left me uninspired when it came to watching films, especially those that required my critical faculties to be, if not firing, then at least present. It’s still lingering now, actually.

Which means July ended up being, effectively, a week. (Well, maybe 10 days.) Bearing that in mind, I’m less downhearted that I only managed four films — I mean, that’s the same as last month, and I didn’t even have any excuses then. Plus I re-watched and will review Akira, so on that basis July still wins. Hurrah.

Keen-eyed regulars will have noticed the omission of the What Do You Mean You Haven’t Seen section, and even-keener-eyed ones will have noticed no film from that list on this month’s viewing. Sadly, yes, I missed it again — see above for my excuses. That puts me two behind now, after also missing April. Still, there are five months left yet, so we’ll see.

In historical context, this month’s total of four is the same as in 2008 and 2011; in 2009 July was my worst month ever: the only time I’ve not watched a single film all month. The overall total of 62 puts me one ahead of last year, but well behind the low 70s of 2007, 2010 and 2011 — three of the four years I’ve reached 100. Oh dear. On the bright side, I also reached 100 in 2008, and I’d only made it to #49 by the end of that July. On the other hand, I did have to watch an exceptionally-high 19 films that December to even scrape through, so…

Nice to end on a cheery note, eh.


5 Directors Whose Films I’ve Never Seen

As this month marks the first time I’ve seen films directed by John Cassavetes and Ben Wheatley (separately, obv.), and as I noticed back in May that there seem to be an uncommonly high number of new-to-me important directors this year, I thought I’d take a look at some of the other significant or surprising helmers that I’ve not seen a single movie from.

This was done with the help of lists at They Shoot Picture’s, Don’t They? — both their old rated list and the current Top 250 Directors. Rather than just take the first five, however, I weeded them out on dual provisos of, a) subjective importance (i.e. ones I’d never actually heard of got dropped), and b) subjective obscurity (i.e. what were the realistic chances I’d have seen one of their films). That’s why, despite ‘only’ scoring 8 out of 10 and ‘only’ coming 32nd on the Top 250, my #1 on this list is…

  1. Powell & PressburgerMichael Powell and Emeric Pressburger
    Also known as The Archers, Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger loom large in the history of British cinema; and internationally, too, in part thanks to Martin Scorsese’s unabashed fondness for their work. Significant films I’ve missed include A Matter of Life and Death, Black Narcissus, and The Red Shoes.
  2. Federico Fellini
    Federico FelliniWinner of the highest number of Oscars for Best Foreign Language Film (five), the Italian writer-director is “one of the most influential filmmakers of the 20th century”. He’s the only member of TSPDT’s Top 250’s top 10 (at #4) that I’ve not seen anything by. Significant gaps in my viewing include La dolce vita and .
  3. Luis BuñuelLuis Buñuel
    Just five names attract a perfect 10 score on TSDPT’s rating system, and this Spanish-born surrealist is the only one absent from my checklist. Significant misses include Un Chien Andalou, Viridiana, Belle de Jour, and The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie.
  4. François Truffaut
    François TruffautOne of the founders of the French Nouvelle Vague (alongside the likes of Jean-Luc Godard, who I have seen films by), Truffaut is still probably best known for his first film, The 400 Blows; or to a different audience for ’60s sci-fi adaptation Fahrenheit 451. Other significant oversights include Jules et Jim and Day for Night.
  5. Werner Herzog
    Werner HerzogThough only at #52 on TSPDT’s Top 250 (there are 11 above him I’ve not mentioned), there’s no denying the notoriety of Herzog, the man who once got shot while being interviewed by Mark Kermode, amongst other bizarre anecdotes. Key works include Aguirre, the Wrath of God, Fitzcarraldo, and Grizzly Man — and, unlike any of the others, he’s still going!

And one TSPDT regards with snobbery…

    Baz Luhrmann
    Baz LuhrmannThe theatrically-inclined Australian scores just 3 on TSPDT’s ranking, their lowest awarded mark. Only five others suffer this ignominy, and the only one I’ve heard of is Ed Wood. According to TSPDT, none of Luhrmann’s films are Highly Recommended, Recommended, or even Worth a Look. The best he can hope for is Strictly Ballroom being classed “Approach with Caution”. I’ve heard some Shakespearean scholars deem his 1996 Romeo + Juliet possibly the definitive screen interpretation of one of the Bard’s most famous plays, but TSPDT reckon it’s a “dud”. So too Moulin Rouge… which they then have to acknowledge (grudgingly, I imagine) is on their own list of the 21st Century’s Most Acclaimed Films (at #60 of 250 too, which isn’t bad).

    Mr. Luhrmann has no real connection to the top five up there — I’ve seen some of his films; I’ve not seen all of them, which would’ve been a point of contrast — but his besmirchment caught my attention.

Which notable directors are missing from your own viewing experience? Or perhaps there are some you’ve managed to thankfully avoid? Mine would’ve been Uwe Boll… oh, would’ve been


Next month on 100 Films in a Year…

After the typically quieter J-months, August often sees a surge in my viewing. Fingers crossed for one this year too, as despite being ahead of goal (that’d be 58) I’m clearly off-pace to reach 100…

Animalympics (1980)

2013 #16
Steven Lisberger | 75 mins | TV | 16:9* | USA / English | U

AnimalympicsOriginally commissioned as a pair of specials for US TV, Animalympics was dropped by the network when the US pulled out of the Moscow Olympics, then repurposed by its makers as a feature film. You might be able to guess the plot from the title: various animals compete in an Animal Olympics. It’s a series of sketches, essentially, although arranged to provide some narratives throughout.

I’ll confess I’d not heard of this before it turned up on Virgin Media’s PictureBox during their free month earlier this year, but apparently it has a cult following. When you look a the behind-the-scenes line-up, it becomes easy to see how: the small voice cast is led by Billy Crystal and also features Harry Shearer; the music is by 10cc’s Graham Gouldman; and most of the crew went on to create TRON — for those (like me) who don’t immediately spot the connection, Animalympics’ co-writer/director also wrote and directed said Disney computer adventure. Plus one of the animators was a certain Brad Bird, and slightly higher up the chain of command was Roger Allers, who later co-directed The Lion King. (There’s more interesting behind-the-scenes info on Wikipedia.)

But what of this effort? Well, it’s entertaining, holds up pretty well over 30 years on, and at 75 minutes doesn’t outstay its welcome. It’s easy to see how it was intended for TV, and where the split was (a Summer Olympics special and a Winter Olympics special, though some judicious editing mixes them together a little), but it’s more than serviceable as a feature. Animal loveAs per anything which is made up of sketches, some bits are funnier than others; and, as American animation, it is primarily aimed at kids, though I thought it was enjoyable enough for grown-ups too. Gouldman’s score is catchy in places, but nothing to rival The Things We Do For Love or Dreadlock Holiday or… I could go on for a few, actually. I’m just going to go listen to some 10cc…

Animalympics isn’t the kind of picture that’s going to break free of its cult status and achieve a widespread popularity, but for fans of those involved, or of a certain era of US animation, it’s good fun. Best watched around the Olympics for full satirical effect, at which times I imagine it could gain an even broader audience. Like me.

4 out of 5

* Made at 1.37:1 (because it was for telly), intended for 1.66:1 (because it was a film by then), the version I saw was either cropped or stretched to a full 16:9. ^

The Naked Gun (1988)

aka The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!

2013 #47
David Zucker | 85 mins | Blu-ray | 1.78:1 | USA / English | 15 / PG-13

The Naked GunClassic spoof from the makers of Airplane! As with that flight-based funny, it seems unlikely I hadn’t seen it ’til now… barring parts caught on TV, which fortunately didn’t dent the overall humour.

Time has arguably blunted it slightly, however: a meeting of anti-American leaders is tinged by most since dying. Era-specific jokes are few, instead offering the usual Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker mix of slapstick, visual puns and wordplay.

Note there’s a not-readily-available extended TV version with more gags. Some sound better than those in this cut!

Still, if gag-based comedy is your bag, there are few finer than Police Squad’s finest.

4 out of 5

The Naked Gun is on Film4 HD at 11:25pm tonight. I have no idea if they show the extended TV version over here.

In the interests of completing my ever-growing backlog, I decided to post ‘drabble reviews’ of some films. One day I may update with a longer piece, but at least there’s something here for posterity.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a drabble is a complete piece of writing exactly 100 words long.

LAMBing Live

The Large Association of Movie Blogs — who have the eternally witty URL www.LargeAssMovieBlogs.com, but are more commonly known as the LAMB — kindly entered me into their ranks earlier this week.

I am LAMB #1635, meaning I now have around 1,634 other friendly film blogs to go and check out. With my can-do attitude and ceaseless devotion to getting things done, I’m sure that will happen forthwith. (Shh, don’t tell them the truth, regular readers!)

If you don’t know about the LAMB, they have a handy-dandy FAQ here. You can read my application/introduction/whatever here.

Right, I ought to go ingratiate myself in some other way(s). Or I could just sit in the corner coughing my throat raw while my nose significantly bolsters Kleenex’s yearly profits, like I have been all week. Yeah, it’s gonna be that one.

(Incidentally, for those not versed in the wonders of three-years-old British early-evening telly, the title of this post is a reference.)

Broken Arrow (1996)

In the interests of completing my ever-growing backlog, I decided to post ‘drabble reviews’ of some films. One day I may update with a longer piece, but at least there’s something here for posterity.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a drabble is a complete piece of writing exactly 100 words long.

2013 #35
John Woo | 104 mins | TV | 2.35:1 | USA / English | 15 / R

Broken ArrowUS Air Force pilot Jon Travolta crashes a plane, steals a nuke, and former friend and colleague Christian Slater must stop his dastardly plan in this ever so ’90s actioner.

In his second Hollywood outing, Hong Kong action maestro John Woo (over-)directs his little heart out: there’s an endless array of slightly hilarious slow-mo, crash zooms, etc. Plus, it has the honour of featuring possibly the most gloriously OTT villain death in the history of cinema.

It all seems quite cheesy now, but still quite fun. Perhaps best suited to those nostalgic for a style of movie now gone by.

3 out of 5

Battleship (2012)

2013 #26
Peter Berg | 126 mins | TV | 2.35:1 | USA / English | 12 / PG-13

BattleshipBattleship never sounded like a good idea. An adaptation of a board game that in no plausible way resembles real life? At least Clue was aping a board game that aped Agatha Christie mysteries, and turned it into a farce at that; and a theme park ride adaptation like Pirates of the Caribbean could take the basics of the ride (which is really just a series of piratey tableaus) and thread them into a new story. And then someone mentioned Battleship was going to involve aliens, and it really all went to hell.

Unsurprisingly, Battleship the film is nothing like the game… except for one sequence where, for reasons I can’t remember in the slightest, the crew of the titular vessel have to try to shell the aliens without the usual modern gadgety shebang, and so it’s a bit like the board game. It’s shoehorned in but it’s still one of the more memorable bits.

Around this is a bunch of absolute codswallop that I don’t care to remember. It’s something to do with an alien invasion and they do it at sea and there’s only one ship that can stop them but the only person who can command it is the young loudmouth playboy recruit who has so much potential but never fully realises it… until now! Honestly, it’s that clichéd, and it would seem unashamedly so. Everything else about the film is Transformers-at-sea — huge robots, big punch-ups, shoot-outs, explosions, all the rest.

As if aware of how awful it is, the film attempts to make it wash with something sure to appeal to the American public and be uncriticisable: “aren’t veterans great!” Battleship fetishises the American armed forces in a way rarely seen — and that’s saying something. The ground resistance is led by an Iraq vet with no legs, still in physio, America, fuck yeah!hobbling up a mountain on prosthetics to realise he’s still worth something as he saves the day. America, fuck yeah! And when the main battleship is ruined, our plucky heroes have no choice but to co-opt the museum piece (literally) WWII ship; and because most of their crew is dead, the museum guides — all of them septuagenarian WWII vets — have to man their ship once again. To defeat those invading scum, just like before! AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

Ugh.

Oh, and Liam Neeson is in it. Barely. And he phones it in. And not a cool phone call like he’s famous for. All things considered, we can forgive that man some of his movie choices in the past few years, but this one must’ve been about the payday alone. Same goes for Rihanna. You’ve probably seen that article listing all her lines. As it suggests, she’s basically a glorified extra, and a poor one at that. Stick to getting your tits out in Irish fields, love.

You’ll notice I haven’t given Battleship the ignominy of a single star. Thing is, for all its awfulness, some of the action is OK, there are some (unearned) triumphant moments, and though the film’s veteran-worship is as transparent as its clear blue Hawaiian seas, it sometimes works. Kinda.

2 out of 5

Battleship featured on my list of The Five Worst Films I Saw in 2013, which can be read in full here.

Underdog (2007)

2013 #5
Frederik Du Chau | 74 mins | TV | 16:9 | USA / English | U / PG

UnderdogIn this big screen live-action version of some old US cartoon, a dog gets superpowers and, naturally, becomes a superhero. That’s pretty much it.

The film is widely disliked, it seems, with a very low rating on IMDb; but I thought it was actually good fun. It’s not Citizen Kane, but it’s not trying to be — it’s a kids’ comedy-adventure, and kids will get the most out of it, but it also has enough wit and charm to see it through for some older viewers.

And there’s Peter Dinklage as the raving villain — you know that’s got to be good.

3 out of 5

In the interests of completing my ever-growing backlog, I decided to post ‘drabble reviews’ of some films. One day I may update with a longer piece, but at least there’s something here for posterity.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a drabble is a complete piece of writing exactly 100 words long.

June 2013 + 5 Franchise-Killing Sequels

It’s June! It’s the halfway point of the calendar year! What a good time to assess a year-long task, eh?

But first…


In the name of…

I can now unveil a major new undertaking (for me): the complete 100 Films review database, sorted by director.

Creating this page involved taking nearly 800 reviews from their title-sorted 28 categories on the existing list, looking up the director for each film, then re-sorting them into a new list that eventually came to include 537 categories (that being one per represented director, of course). It’s taken over four months of work (on and off), but it’s finally here — and is perfectly easy to update going forward, thank goodness.

James Hill, film directorI have no idea if this is of use to anyone. Probably not. But it’s a slightly interesting, different way of looking at my review archive. For instance, compiling it threw up some odd things, such as James Hill. Who, you may ask? Indeed it’s no surprise I hadn’t noticed I’d watched two films directed by him. More interesting was what they were: lovely family animal movie Born Free, and Hammer-esque Sherlock Holmes vs Jack the Ripper thriller A Study in Terror! He also directed Lunch Hour, part of the BFI Flipside strand, so he may one day acquire a third entry. That’s more than some incredibly well-known directors have.

Anyway, if you want to have a peruse and somehow missed the links above and the one in the menu, it’s here.


What Do You Mean You Haven’t Seen…?

Statistically speaking, my selection for WDYMYHS threw up a few interesting ratios. For instance, exactly half the films hail from the 1950s; there are 9 in black & white vs. 3 in colour; and also 9 in English vs. 3 in foreign languages (French, Japanese, Swedish); and 5 on DVD vs. 7 on Blu-ray.

Having so far watched a third of the films, it’s got to the point where I can see what needs to be done to keep these numbers roughly in proportion. So, if I wanted to do such a thing, I came to the conclusion that I needed to watch a 1950s black & white English-language film on Blu-ray. That left two options: The Night of the Hunter or Touch of Evil. And this month I watched…

Orson Welles’ Touch of Evil.

No particular reason for choosing one over the other, although during the time I was pondering this the BFI announced their exciting Gothic season, the trailer for which included a clip from Night of the Hunter, which led to the thought that I might put it off until such a time as it coincides with whatever the BFI are up to. But we’ll see.

Those familiar with Evil’s multiple versions (there are five included on Masters of Cinema’s Blu-ray release) may like to know that I watched the Reconstructed Version in 1.37:1, as recommended here.


The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert FordJune’s films

#55 The Bourne Legacy (2012)
#56 The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)
#57 The Hitch-Hiker (1953)
#58 Touch of Evil: Reconstructed Version (1958/1998)


Analysis

I talked last month about the shape of this year’s viewing emulating most previous years, and that continues in June, a month which has never seen my viewing reach double figures. Nonetheless, this year’s four is the poorest on record (behind last year’s five).

More interesting, however, is what it might tell us about the year as a whole. It’s exactly half way, after all, giving enough time to settle down from the exuberance of the year’s first three months and paint a picture of how I’m getting on this year. At 58, I’d call it “not bad”. Clearly I’m well over the halfway mark, and ahead of this point in 2008, 2009 and 2012 to boot… though as I failed to make 100 in two of those years, and only scraped it with a mad dash in the other, such facts aren’t that comforting.

What about June as an indicator of my final tally? It’s not that hot, to be honest, showing just how erratic my viewing can be across the year. It was closest (or I was most consistent) last year, when I reached 51 by June, giving a ‘prediction’ of 102, and I made it to 97. 2010 was similarly close: 64 in June gives 128, and I made 122. But in other years it’s ranged from 18 under (2009) to 34 over (2011), so it tells us nothing. More exciting that way, eh?

With only four films to consider there’s not much more to say (50% from the ’00s and 50% from the ’50s means nothing when it’s out of four, does it), so moving swiftly on:


5 Sequels That Killed Their Franchise

There have been innumerable bad sequels, especially in these franchise-driven days of modern Hollywood movies… but which have gone down so badly they’ve actually killed off their series? Not just been the final film, but actively led to the series’ demise. (This was inspired by The Bourne Legacy — although #5 is reportedly in development, if they don’t have a serious rethink then I expect Legacy will wind up a member of this club.)

  1. Batman & Robin
    Batman & RobinObvious, I know, but it really is the archetype. Burton delivered two Bat-films that were critical and commercial successes; Schumacher delivered one that didn’t go down so well but turned a healthy profit… and then this. A critical disaster, a box office flop, the series went down with it. It took others to revive the superhero genre, a seven-year gap, and a ground-up reboot to save the series.
  2. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
    The X-Files: I Want to BelieveSix years after the TV series ended (was that all?), ’90s favourites Mulder and Scully returned. Hopes for a third film dealing with the series’ cliffhanger-ish ending were dashed by this low-key supernatural fable, released in a glaringly inappropriate summer slot, with none of the aliens casual viewers expected and too many incidental ties to the series. Some still whisper about a third movie, but 2012 was the perfect time and that’s long gone.
  3. Terminator Salvation
    Terminator SalvationThe first three Terminators all recycle the same plot to some degree, but with Salvation they finally pushed forward. Unfortunately bad word of mouth before release plus constant rumours about final-act twists did the film no favours. It was meant to launch a new trilogy, but instead killed the company who held the rights. A fifth film is in development now, but it sounds like it’ll go back to aping the first.
  4. Blade: Trinity
    Blade: TrinityThe first Blade was something of a breakout hit in the late ’90s, leading to a Guillermo del Toro-helmed sequel that helped put him on the mainstream map. This third entry was designed to launch a spin-off movie for its supporting stars, but behind the scenes woes resulted in a messy film that flopped both critically and with audiences. A TV series did follow, but that was reportedly awful too and didn’t last long.
  5. Saw VI
    Saw VI“But there was a Saw VII,” you cry.
    “But there was meant to be at least a Saw VIII,” I reply.
    When Saw VI lost its opening weekend to Paranormal Activity, someone guessed a shift in horror-fan tastes and called time on this annual scare saga, leading to it wrapping up in film #7. The Final Chapter, as it was advertised, actually did better at the box office, but by then it was all done.

And one that actually revived a franchise… briefly…

    The Final Destination
    The Final DestinationThis fourth entry in the Death-defying horror franchise was due to be the series’ last — hence the definitive article title. In no small part due to being released in 3D in the immediate run-up to Avatar, the movie was a surprise box office hit, becoming the series’ highest-grossing entry, and New Line did an about-face and greenlit a fifth movie. Unfortunately for them, The Final Destination was utter shit, so the marginally-better Final Destination 5 became the series’ lowest earner. In the US, anyway — worldwide, it actually wound up just a few million dollars short of its predecessor. Nonetheless, instead of having a neatly-monikered send-off, the series seems to have limply disappeared.

There are many more sequels that have killed their franchise, so are there any I should have mentioned? And what about that even trickier question: films that have taken an ailing series and turned it around?


Next month on 100 Films in a Year…

With the halfway point passed (did I mentioned we’re halfway through the year?), it’s full steam ahead into the second half. 100 films don’t just watch themselves, y’know.

Final Destination 5 (2011)

2013 #17
Steven Quale | 88 mins | TV | 2.35:1 | USA & Canada / English | 15 / R

Final Destination 5Final Destination 5 is the latest Final Destination film. Do you really need a plot description? They all have the same story.

Here, the focus switches from the schoolkids of previous films to a workplace… staffed by people who look like they should still be in school. I don’t think that’s because I’m getting old, but probably because US productions have a habit of casting twentysomethings as highschoolers and I guess these are twentysomethings playing twentysomethings. It doesn’t really make much difference, anyway — they’re still all involved in an incident, they’re still not friendly enough to be hanging out together all the time, they still get bumped off one by one.

Oddly, this feels fresher than the dire fourth film. Not much, perhaps, but it has a few more twists on the formula. That said, it’s generally a very tired format now — the identikit plot is merely a delivery medium for more varied deaths. There are some creative ones here, for thems that likes that, but it feels horrendously shallow and exploitative. Of course, some people do like that (there wouldn’t be an “exploitation” genre otherwise), and I guess it satisfies them on some level.

In the positives column, Tony Todd is back from the first two as the enigmatic coroner. As well as no doubt pleasing the series’ fans, his appearance makes it seem like there’s been some attempt to further the franchise by re-introducing his brand of mystery. A Surprise Twist in the closing moments (about when and where the story’s events occur) seems to do similar, Something shocking, just out of shotalthough on reflection it’s meaningless; a clever nod that isn’t really clever, but is neat. And perhaps means the series is finally going to rest.

In other news, this is the second one in 3D. I’d forgotten that, but it becomes obvious pretty quickly — there’s all the usual stuff-at-the-camera nonsense. It’s part of the fun of trashy horror films in 3D, so in that respect I don’t mind it. But in 2D, it is kinda distracting. I think this is a film that was made to be watched on the big screen in 3D once and then forgotten about.

Some long-running movie series manage to cement their reputation as the films stack up — look at Bond. Others don’t exactly improve, but attempt fresh offerings or develop in some way — look at Saw. And others slide further and further into mediocrity — and Final Destination is now a go-to example of that. The first two are pretty great, in their own way, but none of the others are really worth bothering with — and, as you can tell from the number, this is one of the others.

2 out of 5

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

2013 #44
Marc Webb | 136 mins | Blu-ray | 2.40:1 | USA / English | 12 / PG-13

The Amazing Spider-ManAndrew Garfield dons the webbed onesie for an unwarranted reboot of the only-one-decade-old Spider-Man film franchise, retelling his origins… but with a twist! Cos, y’know, the last version was only out about 10 minutes ago.

Director Marc Webb’s only previous feature credit is hipster rom-com (500) Days of Summer. Presumably he was chosen, not for his surname, but because half of Amazing is a hipster rom-com. Peter Parker is no longer a socially inept geek, but a mumbling hipster who easily attracts the attention of his longed-for girl (and maybe one or two others) because he’s hipster-cool.

This is just the first of many mistakes. There’s the ditching of the famous “with great power” motto, just Because; and he does grow webbing naturally, as per the controversial decision in the Sam Raimi-helmed trilogy, but now he develops artificial wrist-based web-shooters too, because That’s In The Comic Goddammit; and then there’s some kind of conspiracy backstory with his parents because That’d Be Different.

Essentially, everything is geared towards making sure this isn’t just a rehash of the previous series-starting film, because, as we established, that only happened just a minute ago. In the process, various bits get bungled, rejigged and rearranged to try and convince viewers that you haven’t seen all of this origin story before, when really you have… and done better, too.

The film isn’t without merit. Some of the done-for-real web-swinging is nice; Garfield is good when not affectedly stuttering; love interest Emma Stone is pretty until she opens her mouth; Mask off, as per usualsome of the action sequences are alright. Mercifully, the much-trailed first-person segments are cut down to a minimum; kind of a “we made this so we ought to use it, but we’ve realised everyone was going to hate it”.

But supporting characters get short shrift. Denis Leary doesn’t turn up until halfway through and gets a half-arsed arc that jumps from one end to the other. Rhys Ifans gets off to a good start as sympathetic villain-to-be Dr. Curt Connors, but then his story too is jumped forward when someone clearly realised the running time was running away from them.

Spider-Man’s mask seems to come off every 10 seconds. Attempts at “aren’t New Yorkers all wonderful” patriotism come off as cheesy and literally laughable (the aligned cranes!), whereas in Raimi’s films they kinda felt good even though you knew you should find them horrid. Gone is the humour or colourfulness of those previous films. I know the latter wasn’t to everyone’s taste, but it nailed the intended tone of Spidey much better than this Nolan-inspired grim real-world style.

Someone mentioned Twilight in the run up to release. Disappointingly, they seem to have taken this to heart, focusing on the romance at least as much as the superhero antics. I don’t know how they divide up in terms of screen time, but it feels like the romance received more time and effort from the makers. Superheroes for TwihardsNot that it pays off — instead it just feels like the action scenes were bunged together because, hey, some of the fans want that stuff, right?

Plus, remember how everyone disliked Spider-Man 3 so it did less box office than either of its predecessors? This did even less again. While I’d like to say they’ve listened to fans for the sequel, I think it’s superficial: the suit’s had a major redesign to make it look even more like the comics than either previous version (bigger whiter eyes!), but it will feature at least two, probably three, and possibly four major villains. Such multiplicity was 3’s undoing, and as Webb & co couldn’t find the room to do even one villain properly in this film, I dread to think how they’ll handle several.

The Amazing Spider-Man isn’t a disaster — I’ve given it three stars for a reason — but Raimi got it right in his first two films, and by being different for the sake of it they’ve thrown away a lot of what worked and emphasised many of the things that didn’t. I’m sure there are plenty of single adjectives people would use to describe this iteration of Spider-Man, but “amazing” isn’t one of them.

3 out of 5